By Stephanie Nicole Staidle
Stressful life events happen to all of us. And when stuff happens, there are two common human responses:
1) React (aka freak out, go into control mode, hole up, run away, cry, call your therapist, etc).
2) Internalize (i.e. lose confidence, make statements like 'why me', feel less sexy, consider yourself a loser)
Any of these sound familiar?
Well, first, you aren't alone if this happens to you. However, here are some questions to consider:
Do you feel empowered?
How does this affect your relationships?
How does this affect other areas of your life?
Come closer. Listen as I whisper in your ear a whopping life saver:
YOU ARE NOT AT THE MERCY OF YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES.
If you say you are, you are playing the victim card. And the victim card is not powerful, freeing, or enjoyable for you or the people in your life who hear your sob story over and over. If I am the first person telling you this, it is because the people in your life love you too much and are too scared to be honest with you.
When a crisis arises, you have COMPLETE control over how you react and how you internalize the events. You can re-frame the situation to empower you and have freedom around your problems, so it doesn't affect other areas of your life.
What happens TO YOU does not define who YOU ARE. Something happened and then you made a story up about it (i.e. 'I suck', 'I can't do this', 'this means x').
Your story is negative and it, in turn, makes you feel bad about yourself.
You can still behave and think positively despite negative circumstances. You can also prevent stressful life events from negatively affecting other areas of your life.
Here are 5 tips on how to do this:
1. Change your story. x (what happened) + y (your interpretation) = z (how you react and internalize). Here's an example: You lose your job. Your story could be: "I suck, I'm not smart enough, and obviously wasn't wanted enough to be kept in the business". OR it could be: "Wow, not what I expected however this company is missing out on not having me. What lessons can I learn from this? This is a blessing in disguise because I really want to be writer and I can pursue that instead."
2. Speak easy. Often we are not responsible for what comes out of our mouth. Your story (see #1 -it is important) is usually what you verbalize to others and not only do you want to change the interpretation, you want to regard how you communicate events to other people. Is it whiny or powerful? Are you talking all over the map or with clear focus? Are you Debby-downer or optimistic? People will respond accordingly and in speaking from a more positive frame of mind, the power and freedom around your circumstances will be reinforced.
3. Ditch the blame game. When a 'crisis' happens to you it does not give you the excuse to slack off. The 'crisis' is not the reason you are tired or stressed. You are the reason. Be responsible for how you react to stressful life events. If you are tired, get more sleep and eat better. If you are overwhelmed, take a walk, do meditative exercises, etc. You ultimately control how your circumstances affect you.
4. Control collateral damage. Don't let your problems affect other people in your life. Undesirable circumstances do not give you permission to yell at your spouse, be a crappy friend who flakes, or a checked-out parent. You can communicate what is going on and request some space to deal with your troubles and you can request support, just don't leave your loved ones in the dark and bewildered by your change in behavior.
5. Action: Fake it 'til you make it. I'm not going to pretend that the four steps above are easy. Sometimes you need to muster energy and feelings from nothing. You may need to 'drag' yourself to go for a run, join your family for a movie, or be romantic. However, studies show that your brain will catch up with your actions (just Google it). If you act romantic and happy, you will begin to feel that way. Imagine that? You don't have to wait to feel that way before acting accordingly (otherwise you may be waiting a while).
Follow these steps and you'll be awesome in the face of crisis. When you take responsibility for your life, you will have more power and freedom. Girl scout's promise.
*My therapist disclaimer: If you truly feel you don't have control over your feelings, are at risk of harming yourself or others and/or suffer from anxiety, panic attacks, depression, or violent outbursts, do book an appointment with a licensed psychotherapist. You do not have to suffer alone- there are many resources to help you with these imbalances.*
Stephanie Staidle is a personal and business development coach and an online entrepreneur. As a founder of Cloud Renaissance (http://www.cloudrenaissance.com) her mission is to empower people to stop settling, live a life of their choosing, and be their own boss. Stephanie Staidle's exclusive entrepreneur training group, CLOUD ELITE, creates kick-a$$ world changing entrepreneurs from the inside out through cutting-edge business education and success coaching.
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